rottenecards:

We’re best friends. You laugh, I laugh, you cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I will get a boat and come save your dumb ass.

rottenecards:

My opinions are like farts, So hard to hold em in. When one slips, everyone’s gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.

rottenecards:

Valentine’s Day. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

rottenecards:

When your sarcasm is so far advanced, people think you’re being polite.

someecards:

I’d brave taking off my gloves in record cold temperatures to text you something inappropriate.

Via someecards

rottenecards:

It’s so cold outside I farted the cutest little snow flake.

someecards:

I promise not to lip-sync when I sing you Happy Birthday.

Via someecards

rottenecards:

Oh, sorry I drifted off. I was imagining stabbing you with this pen. What were you saying?

rottenecards:

I’d like to lay you out before the flu does.